LIVE LAUGH LOVE

when did the relationship end? never properly did really. never properly got started either. i thought it was a relationship. but it was nothing like a real one, a proper two-way thing. it was push, pull, here today, gone tomorrow, back again, in, out ... mind-fuckery off the Richter scale. almost sent me to the nuthouse after a while.

before i really knew it, he had control of me. he could be a complete angel like he was at the beginning. that was what kept me there. that magical feeling he'd given me at the start. i was forever working to recapture it, never really knowing just what the fuck i'd done wrong. but just as everything would settle down and i'd start to feel comfortable again, the devil would reappear.
that man accused me of all sorts, things i've never been accused of before. things i know I'm not. he could create an argument out of fresh air. the same circular argument that could never be resolved, over and over again.
it was exhausting, always defending myself for no reason, justifying myself. it kept me forever on the back foot, second guessing myself, working hard to regain his affection.

it was like he'd brainwashed me somehow. turned me into this slave who did everything i could to please him., anything not to upset him. i knew exactly who i was before i met him and where i was going... by the time it all came out, i didn't recognise myself.